Alaskan Woman Attacked By Bear While in Outhouse

As if using an outhouse wasn’t difficult enough, now you need to check for bears.

A woman staying in a yurt in Hanes, Alaska, got an unexpected surprise when she headed to the outhouse on Thursday. “I got out there and sat down on the toilet and immediately something bit my butt right as I sat down,” said Shannon Stevens.

After tending to the bite, which at first they thought was a mink or a squirrel. For reasons we don’t completely understand, the AP article makes it sound like having your ass biten by a mink or a squirrel would be just a normal Thursday.

They found bear tracks all around the outhouse and determined that the biter must have been a bear. Shannon said she thinks the bear was in there to try to stay warm. We think it’s because the bear was covering for a shift by one of the Charmin bears.

Shannon is recovering from the attack and we’re doubling down on our refusal to ever stay in a yurt, or use an outhouse, or maybe even visit Alaska. Life is hard enough without having bears hiding in the toilet.