Flash’s 2020 Gift Guide- Pt 1: Uncommon Scents

Let’s be honest, 2020 has kinda sucked the big one. So, as we turn to the holiday season, we thought we’d try to find the things that can get your friends and family into a better mood as we sail into the new year.

We’ve broken up this guide into several sections, for ease of access and so we can give your ApplePay account a breather. (You’re welcome, ghost of Steve Jobs.) Today, here is part one of the guide. We’ll be posting further installments in the coming weeks, and we’ll also be linking to them all at the bottom of each article. So, without further ado, (whatever that is,) here is part one.

Uncommon Scents:

We’ve all been trapped in our own quarantine hell and, if you were ever going to try out a new smell, why not do it at a time and in a place where you can decide for yourself whether you like it before making the rest of us find a nice way to say, “what’s that smell?”

Maybe that special someone didn’t get you that Motorhead-themed vibrator you were asking for in 2016, but now there’s a way to right that wrong and, combine the smell of “whiskey, smoke, oak and tonka bean.” (Aka, Lemmy Kilmister.) That’s right, you can finally feel like Lemmy has passed out on your couch when you light up your Ace of Spades candle.

But, what if you don’t want to smell like the Ace of Spades? Well, you have options. Like Erykah Badu’s neither regions.

That’s right- if neo-soul is more your thing, “Badu Pussy Premium” incense is just what the doctor ordered. Erykah’s announcement came on the heels of Gwenyth Paltrow’s “This Candle Smells Like My Vagina” candle. Badu’s incense, frankly, sounds a lot more fun. (Though, Gwyenth’s candle might make a nice gift for… Um… Ben Affleck? We dunno.)

If you want to keep the positive vibes of the presidential election in your house all year long, we got you covered. What better way to celebrate the historic election of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris than with a candle shaped like Mike Pence’s head? It’s the perfect gift for Mother! Get it?

(This company also makes Donald Trump head candles if you want to see that mother melt down again and again.)

But if you want to have a more positive celebration of the election, there is also the “Mike Pence Lost His Job To a Black Woman and Her Name is Kamala Harris” candle. What better way to casually taunt your racist aunt who will have to light this candle every time she comes over and uses the bathroom. Aren’t families fun?

Let’s say that literally torching the president isn’t your idea of a good time. (In which case, just respond ‘not coming’ to the Evite we just sent you.) Thank god for Park Scents. These folks make candles that smell like a certain rodent-themed park that for copyright reasons they can’t name. Is it Six Flags? Is it Wet n’ Wild? Is it The Holy Land Experience? We’re not telling!

These folks offer all sorts of smells like, “Mansion,” We’re going to guess they mean the Haunted Mansion, the “Poly Lobby,” which we think smells like the Enchanted Tiki Room, and “Flume,” which, from their description sounds like it smells like… pirates?

Of course, a quick google of ‘strange scented candles,’ yields tons of results, but do you really want to give someone a candle that smells like a locker room? (No, really, it exists.) Or farts? Grow up.

And, if you prefer to go with perfume, independent bookstore Powell’s is offering Powell’s Unisex Fragrance, which smells like books, Demeter’s Lobster which smells like crustaceans, Vulva, which smells like what you think it does, (will you be shocked when we tell you it’s created and made by Germans?) and KISS for Men which somehow smells both like rock & rolling all night as well as partying every day.

Entrepreneurs- what will they think of next? Part Two of Flash’s gift guide will be dropping shortly, so, until then, we’re just going to say, smell you later.

Get it? ‘Cause this was about scents?

We’ll stop now.