Welcome Herpes Monkeys!

In case you needed any more proof that we’re all going to die soon, monkeys laden with herpes have now descended upon eastern Florida. The 300+ monkeys began their reign of terror in the central part of the state before their reign of terror spread to Jacksonville, St Johns & St Augustine.

The macques species of monkeys are not indigenous to Florida. They were introduced to the region in the 1930s by a business called, and we’re not making this up, Colonel Tooey’s Jungle Cruise. The owners of this company had the bright idea of releasing 12 monkeys onto an island to help liven up their cruises and then those monkeys did their thing and, long story short, all macques monkeys in Florida have herpes.

Experts say herpes B is spread through saliva, blood and feces and urine. So, you might want to cut back on the partying with monkeys for the next few months.