Flash’s 2020 Gift Guide- Pt 2: Adventure

What’s the thing everyone wants and, frankly, needs? (And, no it’s not a good breakfast, though, yes, breakfast is an important start to every day.) The answer we were looking for was: Adventure.

And while we have all spent the vast majority of 2020 under lock and key, there is reason to hope that someday soon, things will begin to open up. What better way to optimistically look forward to those better days by giving your friends and family the gift of adventure this holiday season?

We’ve broken up this year’s guide into several installments, for ease of access and so we can give your ApplePay account a breather. (You’re welcome, ghost of Steve Jobs.) Today, here is part two of the guide.

Adventure:

Everyone is in need of more sun. Just look at your skin for God’s sake- you look all pale and pasty. So, why not say, ‘thank you for being a friend,’ by giving your family and/or friends a trip on the Golden Fans at Sea cruise?

Yes, grab your best caftan and join your friends as you celebrate Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia. Will there be costume contests? Will there be panel discussions? Beach trips? Trivia? Is Sophia hilarious when she cantankerously calls ’em like she sees ’em? The answer to all of these questions is of course, yes.

Frankly, you may want to book yourself a cabin too… this sounds like fun. And to be sure that Covid is a distant memory when you set sail, the cruise doesn’t leave port until January 2022.

And if the girls who are golden aren’t your thing, there’s 80’s cruises, yacht rock cruises, and, of course, KISS themed cruises. (We’re sorry… Kruises.)

People love travel. People love sex. Why not combine the two and send your loved one off to Korea to experience the joy that is Jeju Loveland!

The sculpture park celebrates sexuality in all myriad of ways. (And they have a gift shop!) If that isn’t enough, their website notes that they are open until midnight. Maybe a t-shirt from the gift shop and the promise of more delight once you enter the gates is just the the thing that belongs under your tree. What better place to celebrate than “a place where love oriented art and eroticism meet?”

Hey, Uncle Ron, we’ll meet you at the hands-on masturbation exhibit!

One of the constants on the podcast is the idea that hanging out with naked people is fun. So, if naked skydiving isn’t your thing, and the folks at one of those indoor skydiving won’t return your calls asking if you can do it au natural, how about a Korean Day Spa?

There are thousands of spas all around the country, they’re relaxing and a vacation from your problems, you get to hang out naked with all sorts of strangers and then have the employees slough dead skin off your corpse while you lie naked on a table.

In the meantime, we’ll be working on our liberal themed day spa, Antifa-aaaahhhh.

If you want to get a little further away than an off ramp on the highway and nude Koreans… well, fine, be that way… here’s another idea.

If bondage and kink are more your cup of scalding hot tea slowly dripped onto your bare skin, you could also book some time with your significant other on KinkBNB, kinda like AirBNB but for sex dungeons. (KinkBNB has been having server issues with their website, so you might also want to check out Black Thorn and Stay & Play for dates and locations. “You will pay a non-refundable deposit before you select your dates, Worm.” “Yes, mistress.”

Aren’t vacations relaxing?


Jhumpa Lahiri once said, “that’s the thing about books. They let you travel without moving your feet.” So, if a trip to see statues of people boning in Korea is out of your budget, why not gift someone a book?

But do it up right, don’t just grab something off the Best Seller table at Barnes and Noble, cross out the author’s dedication and write one in to Aunt Ruth so she can’t return it- really think about the recipient.

Is one book is too cheap? What about a stack of books, requiring your family member to put in hours of time before they can feel like they have fully and truly appreciated your gift?

If you’re going to do a bundle of books, you need a theme. That’s why in this convoluted call back to the vacation theme, we suggest book club titles. And not just any book club titles.

Did you know former Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck has a bookclub? ‘Cause he does. Are the titles good, or are they a bunch of ones you could pick if you wanted to look woke, educated and sympathetic to the plight of some of the many under-represented people in our society? Ehhh… who’s to say?

But if former quarterbacks aren’t your thing, there are others. Neil Peart, from Rush, wrote extensively about the books he read and, while he passed away in January of this year, there’s more than enough books to keep you busy. Meanwhile, Felicia Day and a few friends have the Vaginal Fantasy book club which combines two things everyone can agree upon: science fiction and genitals.

And if that isn’t enough, your gold standard celebrity book club has been, always was and forever shall be, Simon LeBon’s book list. (Why he didn’t call it “Girls on Books,” we’ll never know.)


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